| but everything around me is blue, the color that reminds me of you |
[03 Sep 2009|11:29pm] |
Boys, boys, boys. They've always been my main preoccupation-- I think that's pretty apparent from my blog. But maybe that's not doing myself justice; it's never been about crushes, or hotness, or stupid girly traditions. For me it's always been about this intangible, elevated state of living I thought would come from finding someone whom I could love unceasingly and who, too, would love me unconditionally in return. Maturing over the past two years or so has helped me realize that romance isn't the only fulfilling thing in life, though, and I think I've especially felt that realization ring true with all of my friends leaving for college (saying goodbye to them, one by one, knowing I wouldn't see them again for months and that we might fall out of touch, never to be the same again, felt like heartbreak in a way I didn't know anything except HEARTBREAK could). Yet even though I've grown up somewhat, I still haven't quite shaken my ridiculous obsession with love. And thus I am always dwelling, dwelling, dwelling on those who have inspired it within me...
Boys, boys, boys. They make your world, and then they crumble it.
For me these boys have been Jake, Alex, and Matt. Three wholly unique boys, each noteworthy, enigmatic, and lingering in his own way.
Jake has obviously been the biggest piece of this puzzle. I have thought, numerous times, that I was finally done with him, that I had finally said all I could say on the subject of our relationship. But that hasn't ever been the case. Most recently, Jake has been on the brain a fair amount because, as I mentioned in my last post, Gabe gave me back the box of stuff I gave him for safekeeping the day he left for New York. I hadn't planned on it, but for some reason, when I arrived home, I decided to look through the box. Most of what I found was unsurprising. I remembered the journal dedication. I remembered the purple book we used to write to each other. I remembered the ring. But what I had forgotten was the printout of the emails Jake and I sent back and forth while he was in Japan and, more importantly, who Jake was when he wrote them. I don't know when exactly he changed, but he is completely unrecognizable today compared to the Jake of 2007. That Jake was a good person, or at the very least wanted with all his heart to be one. He felt guilt over his mistakes. He showed total interest in my feelings, and in the feelings of others. I think of who he used to be and think that version of him would be horrified to see who he is now. And there is no denying that he's changed-- his closest friends see it, and hate it, and have, in some cases, given up on him. I've given up too, but it's a harder thing to accept because, frankly, I was in love with him. And he broke my heart. That's it, that's all. I wanted to keep that lovely, hopeful version of him-- the one that stood with me on a parking lot roof at sunset, laid with me on the beach, and truly fell in love with me-- forever. But now he is lost to us all, simply put. And I look at the ring he gave me and feel nothing. No hatred, no love. Maybe only confusion, and the faintest hint of revulsion at the horribly selfish, hedonistic person he is now. After all, you can't love what doesn't love you any more than you can hate what already hates itself.
Alex is impressive if for no other reason than that he is the polar opposite, and immediate follower, of Jake. For as much as I dismissed him as lackluster and unoriginal immediately after our break up, I can't say now that I entirely regret meeting him. He was in a lot of ways exactly what I needed during the unfortunately short period of time I had him. He gave me a great deal of his time, consideration, and attention in a manner that Jake never had. He did all the right actions, had all the right things in common with me, and I was grateful. I understood his habits while the method behind Jake's madness escaped me-- I completely understand the appeal, the love of rolling. Getting high though? Not so much. Yet when it came down to it, he was incredibly and unfixably messed up too. He turned out to be all action and no feeling (the exact opposite of Jake), all due to some weird complex about heartbreak-- which ironically has led him to be a heartbreaker and a user himself-- that he developed at the failing of his first relationship. All the same: he, too, was a boy I wanted to keep forever. EDC with him is the single most amazing memory I have of any one person, and I wish that night could have never ended. Yet it did. As did we. I am not so angry at him for cheating on me in Bali as one would expect-- it was not done out of any feeling for or against me, and so it does not bother me even one one-hundredth the amount Jake's emotional cheating did. There are a lot worse things than kissing, in my mind. What I am actually mad at Alex for is not being brave enough to think we could last, because everyone knows that the first step to lasting forever is believing that such a thing is possible. And so we did not even have a shot.
Matt's importance to me is largely inexplicable. I am not, never have been, and probably will never be in love with him. The same can be said about him with regards to me. There have been times, though, I think, where we have wanted to be in love with each other. In some abstract way, Matt and I as a functioning couple would have made the most sense. Tim is his best friend; Alison and I are close; he and I understand each other in that we both tend toward bouts of intense loneliness. And yet... And yet we are not more than friends. At times it cannot even be said that we are close friends. I am also mercilessly attracted to him (Oh, saint james), and for some reason I find behavior on his part acceptable when, coming from others, it would upset me. But my attachment to him comes from none of those things. I guess my fascination with Matt and our relationship lies in his consistent inconstistency. He is rarely ever an active part of my life, and I don't see him much, yet I know he will always show up just when I think I'll never see him again or, more importantly, when I need him most. He has been there for me after every break up and for some of my most lonely nights. He's not mine, and not anyone else's. He belonged to a girl once, long ago, but now he simply "fucks bitches and gets money." And in a different way than with Alex or with Jake, I have wanted to keep him forever. Not for him to love me. Not for him to date me. Not even for us necessarily to become closer friends. I'm not particularly bothered by not seeing him for long periods of time. I just want to know for sure that any one time I see him will not be the last, that he will continue to surprise me with his somehow ghostly presence in my life. It's as simple, and as complicated, as that.
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| i found me! |
[08 May 2009|09:24am] |
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mood |
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 hopeful |
] |
I know it's been a horribly long time since I've written anything. Those of you who I'm close to know why, and I don't feel the need to rehash all the details here just yet. Usually I think the details, the nuances matter, but not today. I grappled with them for a long time, made myself sick trying to figure things out, but I've finally realized the answer didn't lie in any one thing, but rather in this overarching aura of wrongness that had nothing to do with me.
I feel liberated. I lost the one thing I, at the time, believed was "everything" to me. And yet, somehow, instead of being crushed by it as I expected, I've come out of it okay. I feel as if I've suddenly remembered who I was. I lost my idol, but I found my voice. I am much stronger than I thought. I feel as if I rose to the occasion magnificently, and with class, and the whole of '09 rose up with me to cheer and support and be proud. And really, wasn't that what I wanted all along? To be believed in?
It's interesting to me that this feels like much less of a loss than I thought it would. Not saying that I have no feelings, of course not, but after the initial day of mind-numbing grief, everything melted into disgust, incredulity, and anger a lot faster than i expected. I think the reason for that is that I started mourning the loss of my relationship with Jake months ago. I'm proud of my female intuition for having been able to sense what was going on the entire time. By the time he cut that final tie and we broke it off, I was used to him severing ties that had once seemed to me to be strands of gold, but were actually no more than sewing thread.
I feel much lighter being able to speak candidly here. For a long time, Jake was my main audience here, and so I always wrote with his feelings in mind. To point out how much I appreciated a particularly good day with him, or to express sadness at something that had happened without having to start a fight about it. But now I can speak the truth, whatever it may be. I don't know if he still reads this-- I could easily see him doing so and not doing so, but it doesn't matter anymore either way. He's become completely immune to all reason, respect, and common sense, and so I would not be able to reach him even if I tried.
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"I wanna, I wanna drown you in a pool of blood
And I wanna, I wanna fix you like a hawk
But I never had guts, no thanks I'm without it's touch
Soft money, soft looks, soft until you stop
Untangle/untether your wings and fly to the sheltered sky
No money, no voice/poise, no bullet to chain
Cold water rush inside me like a seepin' die
Clear colder in place of what you became
Oh I'll just fight now, relock and release,
I thought you'd always be my brother in conflict
Drums beat, it's just the son and the beast
I thought you'd always be my brother in conflict, now
Shake body, shake fingers, shake fists, shake a lot of things
Shakin' myself all over the floor
Such really great moves I had, oh I thought I'd sing
My voice all wrecked and ragged before
I turned my back on beauty, it's a manmade crime
Most are, most were, will do it again
Blood money, blood money, blood money, it's a manmade lie
Conquest, conflex, call me to the end
Of all this
Fight now, relock and release,
I thought you'd always be my brother in conflict
Drums beat, it's just the son and the beast
I thought you'd always be my brother in conflict, now
I don't see, I don't see, I don't see anything
Take the car, take the cash, take the heat out of me
Every day, every day losin' my sympathy
I don't see, I don't see, I don't see
Oh, this
Fight now, relock and release,
I thought you'd always be my brother in conflict
Drums beat, it's just the son and the beast
I thought you'd always be my brother in conflict
Right now, it's just the thing that we need
I thought you'd always be my brother in conflict
Drums beat, it's just the son and the beast
I thought you'd always be my brother in conflict, now
I don't see, I don't see, I don't see anything
Take the car, take the cash, take the heat out of me
Every day, every day losin' my sympathy
I don't see, I don't see, I don't see
Why we
We took an axe
and thrust it in the sunshine
And through the glow, I lost you for the first time
And when it cleared, I hit you with a fast line
Why are you suffocating both of us now?
We faked a lot of trust over the wrong things
The freedom of our speech, and I'm just talking
When will I learn how to chew these words
I have teeth, I have teeth, I have teeth
I, have to lose my idols to find my voice
lose my idols to find my voice
I have to lose my idols
to find my voice
I have to lose my idols to find my voice
lose my idols to find my voice
I have to lose my idols
to find my voice"
- Brother In Conflict, Voxtrot
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| school sanctioned official senior ditch day |
[18 Mar 2009|09:15pm] |
As I try to focus more on the now and forget about the ever-looming fear of the future...
Today was the first day in a really long time that lived up to my expectations for the NOW. It was senior ditch day; Austin, Sarah, Scott, Jake, and I went to Santa Monica Beach. We dug tunnels, skipped rocks. We walked through a sketchy below-street level tunnel to eat at Tex Mex (where I had the most unholy large tostada known to mankind). We returned to the beach, where the boys dug a hole so large they could bury Sarah and I both up to our chests.
After the beach, we drove back to third street and then on to Marie Calendar's, where we intended to have a pie cookie-- we actually had an attempted pie cookie, courtesy of our waitress, but it was still very very tasty. Jake unsuccessfully tried to uncover the meaning of tubtub :]
I really needed today to be as it was. As much as I'm still so scared and sad, days like this are what make me believe it'll be okay. Spending a lot of quality time with my friends, and especially Jake, always reminds me that we are special and close and enduring. And even though I fear, I hope (and even sometimes experience great moments of knowing) that everything important to me will last through college and through distance. Because how could it not? It is an unbearable thought, and so it must never be.
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| use your feet and lose your wings |
[31 Dec 2008|11:03pm] |
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X-POSTED FROM MY BLOG BECAUSE I'VE BEEN WANTING TO COME BACK TO LJ BUT HAVEN'T FIGURED OUT A NICE WAY TO DIP MY TOE BACK IN. SO I'M CANNON BALLING. SPLASHHHH.
It's tradition that I do a New Years Eve post, one that is elaborate, long-winded, and introspective. I feel that the end of each year is a big thing, so I've been thinking for a while now about what I wanted this post to say, trying to get the tone, the message, the details. All of that. I tend to have this problem where things sound better in my head than they ever do when I finally get them out, but I hope that doesn't happen tonight. 2008 CE has been an epic year, full of highs and lows, and if any year was to have taught me something about life, it should be this one.
I'm not really sure where to start. If there's one thing I've figured out, it's that we should aim not for perfect, but instead complete. No one can be perfect, and yet we all have the capacity to become ourselves, and even the best versions of ourselves, completely. There is no such thing as the perfect friendship or relationship, but we each have the capacity to give, and do often, in fact, give ourselves to others wholly and completely. I guess it's cliche but true to say that there is a certain perfection in imperfection.
It's been, I guess you could say, an unsteady year for me. I know everyone knows all the things that have happened this year but let's for the sake of posterity say that you don't. I started the year in a state of break up with Jake. I had the first ever true falling out I've had with friends. I had a year more full of earth shaking arguments with my father than ever before. My mother alienated half of her family in drunken fits of rage, and my grandfather died only a few days ago.
And yet, after all of that, I truly feel that I can sit here and tell you all that today, the last day of 2008, I am more happy than I am sad. Jake knows probably better than anyone that I've struggled with achieving such a thing. We've argued a lot about optimism and pessimism, letting go of the past, and learning to simply trust people. He's always taken the side of the believer, and I, the cynic. But at some point very recently it hit me that a great part of happiness is choosing to allow yourself joy and to block out sadness. I don't mean to say I will always have the clarity to remember that fact, but if for only today, I do. And that's something. That's progress.
For example, I'm a huge believer in holidays, and I think it's really important that everyone take the time to talk to the ones they love on holidays. On Christmas, I thought Jake might forget to call, so instead of being annoyed, I called him myself and we had a pleasant conversation. It was all in the choosing. I could've easily let it bother me but instead I looked at it as I knew I should see it: Jake never means anything bad by it when he does things like that, and it is never ever for any lack of love. And while I can wish for perfect scenarios, we will never be perfect, but we have always been complete. Similarly, when my grandfather died, I was terrified to call my mom. Horrified, ashamed, and guilty, because I hated the idea that she had been right about not visiting them, and also simply because I cannot bear to witness grief. The sound of people truly crying has, for some reason, always been a furtive and somehow indecent noise to my ears. But I got up the nerve to call her, and though she was sad, we had the first non-antagonistic conversation we've had in four years, and she did not blame me for not visiting my grandparents in so long. It was a good conversation because I chose to be strong and call my mother.
I've had a lot of theories about human nature over the years. For a while, it was that we are essentially good. This past year, I know it was largely that we are all bad (shitty to each other and to ourselves). Yet now I think I've converged on a theory that falls somewhere in between the two extremes. Humans are essentially... human. That statement may seem a bit circular but there is no other way I can say it. We are each this wholly unique mixture of animal and soul. We are each a combination of hopefulness and destructive energy; wickedness and sentimentality; libido and thanatos.
We simply are.
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[13 Jul 2008|08:41pm] |
I had a pretty pleasant first day at Brown, which is not something I expected. Sofi and I got here relatively unscathed-- we met a nice military officer on our plane to Chicago who helped us with changing terminals, caught a taxi, had no issues checking in.
We were worried we weren't going to make friends quickly, but we did. It started when we came back to my room to drop off our stuff after orientation, at which point we met Kalen (my roommate, who is from Nashville and very charming in the souther way), Freddy (who was here last session and helped us all make friends), Gaby (who is from New York), and Annie (Sofi's roommate, from Maine). Later we also met Jessica, who is from Michigan and has a room full of food for us.
Sofi and I, on the plane, decided that, since we have boyfriends, we can't have Brown boyfriends but rather "husbands" who we will hug and lay in the grass with and take cute pictures with and nothing else. I found mine pretty early in the day, we were walking with Freddy, and suddenly the most beautiful boy in the world approached. He had blue eyes and black hair; his name is Noah; he and I were wearing very similar jackets (I was wearing one of Jake's) and he gave me a little nod for it. I just stared back speechlessly, because he was just SO SO beautiful. I decided I'm going to start talking to him tomorrow, hugging him Tuesday, making him camera whore his beautiful face with me Wednesday. HE'S ONLY STAYING A WEEK THOUGH :(
But anyway, even though I'm having a good time I still kinda miss being at home. I don't like this feeling that everything there is ticking away completely out of my control.
Time is a precious, finite resource after all, and I hate to waste it so carelessly.
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[12 Jul 2008|12:37am] |
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mood |
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excited |
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music |
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chelsea hotel- regina spektor |
] |
So I leave for Brown tomorrow.
As I realized how close my departure was all week, I started to get that feeling I always do when I leave home-- like I'd really miss my dad and my bed and my privacy and all that. And so I felt like that for most of the week, until today. I went on the Brown website and looked at all the things there are to do while I'm there and got so excited! Classes are only 3 hours a day, and the rest of it can be spent doing whatever you want. There are additional seminars about the college process and college life, as well as guest speakers. There's a theatre nearby and shopping, as well as a gym for us to use for free.
I'm so excited! It'll be like a preview of college life.
I hope I like my roommate.
I bought some really pretty stationary to use while I'm there so if anyone wants me to mail them a letter just leave me your address in a comment and I'll write to you :)
P.S. I'll update while at Brown as much as I can.
P.P.S. I get to see Jake for a few hours before I leave and I'm so happy about it because he's been gone for 25 days and his flight just happens to get back earlier enough to give us some time together.
Yay!
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[09 Jul 2008|11:50pm] |
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mood |
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grateful |
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I am so relieved. I thought I had blown my college chances for good.
But alas no!
AP Chem: 4
AP Calc AB: 5
APUSH: 5
SAT IIs:
Lit: 760
Bio: 780
US: 790
I'M SAVED.
p.s. i hate the college process.
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| oh... it's you |
[07 Jul 2008|12:02pm] |
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mood |
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 thoughtful |
] |
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music |
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dr feelgood |
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I saw Ryker today for the first time in six months. He and Eric came out for 3 or 4 hours (such little time, so precious, i know), and we hung around the promenade.
Ryker texted me a few hours laters telling me that he missed me already, and we got to talking. I remarked that it was so unfair that everytime I see him he looks a little different to me, that it isn't right for two best friends to notice each other changing. We should be seamless to each other, I said in what I imagine was a mournful tone.
As much as it's been odd to me seeing Ryker grow up not before my eyes, it doesn't bother me so much, in a way, because it's purely a physical thing. Yes, he's grown taller. Yes, he's become more muscular. Yes, his face has angled out. But he's still so much the same. He still flinches the same exact way if I tickle him, and he gets the same face as always when Eric calls him gay. And even more importantly is the fact that he's the same on the inside-- still the best friend I could ever ask for.
What I've always found really, truly disconcerting... scary... unnerving... is people who look the same on the outside but are going through a great change on the inside. I've never been able to wrap my mind around it, really-- looking at someone and seeing same the face, the same body you've always known but having to realize that the person isn't the same underneath it all. Or even not being able to realize that at all. How horrible of a feeling that can be.
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[09 Jan 2008|11:55pm] |
SOOOOOO, the reason I have not been around this past month is because Jake and I have been having huge problems and I couldn't deal and school sucks and life sucks and blahblah
But anyway, Jake and I are officially on a break. He says he wants to be friends so we can get to know each other differently, and that he's confident we'll find our way back.
This would be very sweet, provided that any of it were true. But I'm pretty sure he was just letting me down easy.
Excuse me while I go cry now, and possibly set the journal he gave me for my birthday on fire with the zippo he gave me for our six month aninversary.
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[30 Nov 2007|08:39pm] |
SATs in less than twelve hours.
I'm trying to resist the urge to cry.
Wish me luck!
And if I don't come back, I loved you all very much.
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[28 Aug 2007|04:07pm] |
Since Dede suggested it, and a few of you have done it, I'm putting up a picture timeline too. Observe:
( pictures )
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| cinco |
[27 Aug 2007|05:31am] |
Dear Mom,
You will most likely never read this letter, as I will most likely never send it. It will be added to the pile of letters that I wrote hoping they would bring me peace of mind, even if they will never be read by anyone but myself. I wrote one to you over two years ago, and I have written a few to Alex inbetween, but here I am writing you the fifth in this series of letters. This time in response to something you wrote me. I am writing it partially because everyone who is available to talk to would not understand, and everyone who would understand is simply not here for me today. But mostly I want to say these things-- all of these things like I would say them to you, my mother-- though in actuality I am putting them out into space.
Today you wrote me an email telling me you were moving back to Diamond Bar, so you could be closer to fond memories of the past. You made me an offer. Would I like to move back to Diamond Bar and go to DBHS, staying with my dad on the weekends like before? I could visit Windward friends then, you said. But I could also have those from Diamond Bar back. It could be like before.
At first part of my mind-- the small part, I imagine, that still wants to go home-- sighed in relief. I could go back, it whispered . No, no, no! the more reasonable part replied. Of course I could not back! The offer you made me was one that you couldn't possibly see through, no matter how sincereley you meant to (though I don't know if you were or not). Lives people leave behind are not like toys or little rocks or even bread crumbs-- they move around and shift of their own accord until they aren't even what they were when we left them. Certainly, if I really wanted to I could move back to Diamond Bar. But what would I even be going back to? Nothing, I think. Nothing, I fear.
You said you knew I missed my lifelong friends and my old school system. Of course I do! I miss them every single day. I miss Russell, and how he never once let me down. I miss Riley, who had been a constant in life since I was six years old! I miss Eric and Ryker! Gina and Melody! I miss everyone, how much, you don't even know. I feel their absence everyday. Everytime someone doesn't understand, I think of those that would. You also said you knew that, while I'd made friends at Windward, you were sure I would have a hard time reconciling myself with how they live here. And damn it, you're right. For the LIFE of me I can't understand why all the girls are friends but actually hate each other, why so many of the boys are more into drugs and drinking than most adults, and why no one cares how they do on the SAT! It's completely foreign to me, even now, and I don't understand it one bit. There! I've admitted it!
So, Diamond Bar is no longer the home it once was to me. And Windward is still like an alien planet. Is there really no right way left, mom? Is that what it's come down to?
And you know what else? It's not fair that everyone gets to talk to their mom but I don't. It's really not fair that while everyone else can balance the large talks they have with their fathers with the sweet ones they have with their mothers, I do not. I was supposed to tell you about my friends, and my enemies too. I was supposed to tell you about the new jeans I wanted, and how I worried I'd look fat in them. I was supposed to tell you about my first kiss, and how nervous I was for it. I don't mean to say I'm blindly longing for these things-- I just mean I don't TRUST you enough to tell you these things, and I don't know why. I've been angry with you for so long I don't know how not to be anymore.
Please don't think I'm so cold as to think only of myself-- I think about you, and I wonder how you feel. I picture you in your house in the Marina, and I really do hope you're happy with your life there. I don't want you to move back to Diamond Bar or break up with George, mom. I don't want you to do these things for me because I could never make them worth it. And I don't want you to sit there one day, having given up these things, with nothing given in return. No one deserves that.
I'm still not ready to fix the problems between us. I'm sorry, I really am. I wish I wasn't this way. I wish I could let go, but that's not how I'm built. You're my mom, I think if you just pull back from the situation for a second and think about it from my side, you'll understand. I don't want to be pulled away frommy place again. I need to stay here, in this place, and in this frame of mind. It is not exactly right, but like I said before, is there any right way left?
It sprinkled a bit today. I prayed and prayed that it would rain, that it would JUST POUR. I had this strange notion that if it rained hard enough and long enough it could wash me away. Wash me away, and then rebuild my soul. But how do you rebuild a soul, mom? Anyways, it only just sprinkled.
Love,
Stacey
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[23 Aug 2007|10:35pm] |
[current read] the poisonwood bible by barbara kingsolver
[current listen] wait for love by matt white
"98% of the teen population has been around marijuana, put this in your profile if you like bagels"
HAHAHAHAHAAHHAA. I love that statement (courtesy of Marlee). It contains every sentiment I have ever wanted to express in my entire life. Mwaha.
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Yesterday at Century, as I walked towards Borders from the Foodcourt, before I met up with Jake,True by Ryan Cabrera came on over one of the outdoor speakers. I stopped going where I was going, and stood against the railing, listening. I felt a rush of nostalgia for seventh grade, and I remembered how I felt when I first heard that song. I guess it's just one of those things that always remains preserved. It was strangely comforting, to know that moments exist inside of you even when they do not exist elsewhere anymore.
I won't talk
I won't breathe
I won't move 'til you finally see
That you belong with me
You might think
I don't look
But deep inside in the corner of my mind
I'm attatched to you
Mmmm..
I'm weak
It's true
Cause I'm afraid to know the answer
Do you want me too?
Cause my heart keeps falling faster
(Chorus)
I've waited all my life to cross this line
To the only thing thats true
So I will not hide
It's time to try anything to be with you
All my life I've waited
This is true
You don't know
What you do
Everytime you walk into the room
I'm afraid to move
I'm weak
It's true
I'm just scared to know the ending
Do you see me too?
Do you even know you met me?
I know when I go
I'll be on my way to you
The way that's true
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Jake got a new cell phone (which is wonderful), and he decided to try and take pictures with it. This made me want to take pictures too. Result:
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Lately a lot of my time is spent thinking about my mother, and the entire situation with her. I wonder about right and wrong, and thus find myself analyzing moments from the past, trying to place fault in its correct place, sometimes wondering if there was even any fault at all.
Most memories have been reduced to ambiguous blurs, unlcear in intention, origin, and outcome.
However, if there was ever an instance that made me doubt every horrible thing my mother ever did (and the horrible intentions I thought she had), it would be this one (and only this one):
In maybe November of 8th grade, we got a new housekeeper. She didn't know not to wash my teddy bear, so she put it in the wash machine, and the eyes came off. I was really really sad, and really really angry. I thought surely my mom would dismiss my feelings as immature, saying that I needed to learn to let go (which is not untrue either). I came home from school the next day to find that my mom had carefully measured the eyes, gone to Joanne's, bought black and white felt, and painstakingly removed the old eyes and made new ones.
She did them perfectly.
It was the single most thoughtful, caring thing anyone has ever done for me.
Just like new, eh?
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| meme, stolen from sharon |
[22 Aug 2007|04:37pm] |
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mood |
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 tired |
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music |
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La La Lie- Jack's Mannequin |
] |
bold what is true, italicize what you wish was true.
* I miss somebody right now.
* I don't watch much TV these days.
* I own lots of books.
* I wear glasses or contact lenses.
* I love to play video games.
* I've tried marijuana.
* I've watched porn movies.
* I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.
* I believe honesty is usually always the best policy.
* I curse sometimes. As opposed to constantly.
* I have changed a lot mentally over the last year.
* I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.
* I have broken someone's bones.
* I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal.
* I hate the rain.
* I'm paranoid at times.
* I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
* I need/want money right now.
* I love sushi.
* I talk really, really fast.
* I have fresh breath in the morning.
* I have long hair.
* I have lost money in Las Vegas.
* I have at least one sibling.
* I was born in a country outside of the U.S.
* I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past.
* I couldn't survive without Caller I.D.
* I like the way that I look.
* I have lied to a good friend in the last 6 months.
* I am usually pessimistic.
* I have a lot of mood swings.
* I think prostitution should be legalized.
* I slept with a roommate.
* I have a hidden talent.
* I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have.
* I have a lot of friends.
* I have pecked someone of the same sex.
* I enjoy talking on the phone.
* I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants.
* I love to shop and/or window shop.
* I'm obsessed with my Xanga or Livejournal.
* I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.
* I have a cell phone.
* I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months.
* I've rejected someone before.
* I currently like/love someone.
* I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
* I want to have children in the future.
* I have changed a diaper before.
* I've called the cops on a friend before.
* I'm not allergic to anything.
* I have a lot to learn.
* I am shy around the opposite sex.
* I'm online 24/7, even as an away message.
* I have at least 5 away messages saved.
* I have tried alcohol or drugs before.
* I have made a move on a friend's significant other or crush in the past.
* I own the "South Park" movie.
* I have avoided assignments at work/school to be on Xanga or Livejournal.
* I enjoy some country music.
* I would die for my best friends.
* I'm obsessive, and often a perfectionist.
* I have used my sexuality to advance my career.
* Halloween is awesome because you get free candy.
* I have dated a close friend's ex.
* I am happy at this moment.
* I'm obsessed with guys.
* Democrat.
* Republican. (just to piss off my school-mates. hahaa)
* I am punk rockish.
* I go for older guys/girls, not younger.
* I study for tests most of the time.
* I tie my shoelaces differently from anyone I've ever met.
* I can work on a car.
* I love my job(s).
* I am comfortable with who I am right now.
* I have more than just my ears pierced.
* I walk barefoot wherever I can.
* I have jumped off a bridge.
* I love sea turtles.
* I spend ridiculous amounts of money on makeup.
* I plan on achieving a major goal/dream.
* I am proficient on a musical instrument.
* I hate office jobs.
* I went to college out of state.
* I am adopted.
* I am a pyro.
* I have thrown up from crying too much.
* I have been intentionally hurt by people that I loved.
* I fall for the worst people.
* I adore bright colors.
* I usually like covers better than originals.
* I hate chain theme restaurants like Applebees and TGIFridays.
* I can pick up things with my toes.
* I can't whistle.
* I have ridden/owned a horse.
* I still have every journal I've ever written in.
* I talk in my sleep.
* I've often thought that I was born in the wrong century.
* I try to forget things by drowning them out with loads of distractions.
* I wear a toe ring.
* I have a tattoo.
* I can't stand at LEAST one person that I work with.
* I am a caffeine junkie.
* I am completely tree-huggy spiritual, and I'm not ashamed at all.
* If I knew I would get away with it, I would commit at least one murder.
* I will collect anything, and the more nonsensical, the better.
* I enjoy a nice glass of wine with dinner.
* I'm an artist.
* I am ambidextrous.
* I sleep with so many stuffed animals, I can hardly fit on my bed.
* If it weren't for having to see other people naked, I'd live in a nudist colony.
* I have terrible teeth.
* I hate my toes.
* I did this Meme even though I wasn't tagged by the person who took it before me.
* I have more friends on the internet than in real life. (possibly. hard to say.)
* I have lived in either three different states or countries or provinces.
* I am extremely flexible.
* I love hugs more than kisses.
* I want to own my own business.
* I smoke.
* I spend way too much time on the computer than on anything else.
* Nobody has ever said I'm normal.
* Sad movies, games, and the like can cause a trickle of tears every now and then.
* I am proficient in the use of many types firearms and combat weapons.
* I like the way women look in stylized men's suits.
* I don't like it when people are displeased or seem displeased with me.
* I have been described as a dreamer or likely to have my head up in the clouds.
* I have played strip poker with someone else before.
* I have had emotional problems for which I have sought professional help.
* I believe in ghosts and the paranormal.
* I can't stand being alone.
* I have at least one obsession at any given time.
* I weigh myself, pee/poo, and then weigh myself again.
* I consistently spend way too much money on obsessions-of-the-moment.
* I'm a judgmental asshole.
* I'm a HUGE drama-queen.
* I have traveled on more than one continent.
* I sometimes wish my father would just disappear. (same goes for my mother. hell, more so.)
* I need people to tell me I'm good at something in order to feel that I am.
* I am a Libertarian.
* I can speak more than one language.
* I can fall asleep even if the whole room is as noisy as it can be.
* I would rather read than watch TV.
* I like reading fact more than fiction.
* I have pulled an all-nighter on an assignment I was given a month to do.
* I have no piercings.
* I have spent the night in a train station or other public place.
* I have been so upset over my physical gender that I cried.
* I once spent Christmas completely alone because there was a miscommunication on which parent was supposed to have me that night.
* I've been married and am now divorced.
* There have been times when I have wondered "Why was I born?" and may/may not have cried over it.
* I like most animals better than most people.
* I own a collection of retro game consoles.
* The thought of physical exercise makes me shiver.
* I have hit someone with a dead fish.
* I have written/read erotic stories.
* I am compulsively honest. and also a compulsive liar. how that is, i do not know.
* I was born with a congenital birth defect that has never been repaired.
* I have danced topless in front of dozens of complete strangers.
* I have gone from wishing I was a boy to revelling in being a girl to feeling like a boy again in the span of five minutes, and not cared a whit for my actual sex.
* I am unashamedly bisexual, and have different motivations for my desires for different genders.
* I sometimes won't sleep a whole night or eat a whole day because I forget to.
* I find it impossible to get to sleep without some kind of music on.
* I dislike milk.
* I obsessively wash my hands.
* I always carry something significant around with me.
* Sometimes I'd rather wear a wig in day-to-day life than use my own hair.
* I've pushed myself to become more self-aware and thereby more aware of others.
* Even though I live on my own I still cry sometimes because I miss my mother.
* I hand wrote all the HTML tags in this document.
* I've liked something which a majority of people claimed was either bad or weird.
* I have been clinically dead for a brief period of time.
* Instead of feeling sympathy/empathy with people and their problems, I simply become annoyed. (depends who it is)
* I participate/have participated in auto drag races and won.
* I do not 'get' most comedy acts.
* I don't think strippers are money-greedy or slutty for dancing.
* I don't like to chew gum.
* I am obsessed with history/historical things and can't wait for someone to build a time machine so I can be the first to use it.
* I can never remember for the life of me where I parked the car.
* Had the TEEN ANGST thing going for at least 2-3 years.
* I wish people would be more empathic and honest with each other.
* I play Dungeons and Dragons weekly.
* I love to sing.
* I want to live in my mother's basement when I grow up.
* I have a custom-built computer.
* I want to create a certain someone's babies, even though there's a 0% possiblity of ever achieving it.
* I would be in a relationship with one of my pets if they were human.
* I've gone skinny-dipping. (home alone, to tan better)
* I've performed in three plays, all of them Shakespeare.
* I enjoy burritos.
* I'm Irish and lovin' it.
* I have a thing for redheads.
* I am a twin! not biologically :)
* Most times, I'd rather do something intellectual instead of doing something generically 'fun'.
* Once I set out to finish something, I always stay at it until it is completed before I move on to something else.
* I wish there were a way to erase past mistakes.
* I wish I could do High School all over again.
* I have big interest swings every year.
* I have loved Pokemon since the beginning and continue to do so.
* I am the only one who can navigate my room without stepping on something.
* There's no genre of music I dislike.
* I've read every work written by my favorite author(s)
* No matter how much I sleep, I'm always tired.
* I'd rather eat out than cook.
* I am obsessed with actors that are older than I am.
* I hope to get a novel or poem published one day.
* I am not ashamed of loving my fandoms the way I do, no matter how old it may be, or what my friends or family may think of it
* I wish I could return back to when I was four years old.
* I count calories extremely strictly.
* I compulsively have to answer my cell phone if it rings. (even when i see it's a number id on't want to pick up, i do.)
tag: whoever wants to do it
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| madly mathematical! |
[21 Aug 2007|12:36pm] |
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in memoriam- everybody else |
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I realized I update my blogspot all the time and completely neglect my lj, so from now on I'm going to just x-post, I guess.
yesterday:
12- the number of hours I spent in the car this weekend
6- the number of ramen-packs i've had to cook today
5- the number of ounces of chocolate I put into my first ever chocolate souffle, which I ate alone.
2- the number of meaningful pieces of jewelry i have lost in the past 2 weeks. I wonder if this is symbolic?
3- the number of days I spent in the company of the same 3 people.
42- the number of songs on my very favorite playlist
140- the number of dollars I went over my texting plan
2- the number of weeks left until school starts
2- the number of colleges I visited this weekend
1- the number of beds broken (and as a result, hearts broken too)
1- the number of people I know who desperately need to get a blog(you know who you are :])
[the weeepies] World Spins Madly On
Woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
I thought of you and where you’d gone
And let the world spin madly on
Everything that I said I’d do
Like make the world brand new
And take the time for you
I just got lost and slept right through the dawn
And the world spins madly on
I let the day go by
I always say goodbye
I watch the stars from my window sill
The whole world is moving and I’m standing still
Woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
The night is here and the day is gone
And the world spins madly on
I thought of you and where you’d gone
And the world spins madly on...
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| emmerson as borat= love |
[11 Jul 2007|11:20pm] |
The Leaky Muggers!
BENNNNNN
JAMIEEEEEEE :D
If you'll notice, AMANDA AND I ARE BOTH IN THIS PHOTOGRAPH. Yes, it's true! WE MET IN REAL LIFE, GUYS. It was so cool. Amanda, you are awesome.
My gryffindor sort of shirty layers.
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[03 Jul 2007|11:35pm] |
Summer depresses without fail every year.
Offer some cheer?
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[02 Jul 2007|02:24pm] |
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ecstatic |
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HOMGGGG HOMGGGG HOMGGGGG
AP LANGUAGE AND COMPOSITION: 5
AP EUROPEAN HISTORY: 5
YESSSSSSSSSS!
*dies*
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punshine's journal
